Grandparents and Teens: A Special Bond

Remember when all it took to please your grandchildren were lollipops and an occasional new toy? Now that they are teens they may not be as easy to connect with. They may seem distant and rebellious, their clothing a bit “odd” to say the least, and the music they enjoy can be just as puzzling as they are. Keeping in mind that these traits and changes are all hallmarks of adolescence. Here are a few principles to live by when trying to maintain or build a relationship with your grand-teens.

Communicate well and try to understand them:

Pay attention and listen. When spending time with your grand-teens give them your full attention. Be sure they know that you are interested in their lives and what they have to say.

Acknowledge and respect their ideas and opinions. You’ll be sending a powerful signal that you take them seriously as young adults, and the conversations you have over time will help you connect with each another.

Keep an open mind. By lending a non-judgmental ear, they will know that you are someone they can share their lives and interests with.

Be sensitive to the developmental changes they are experiencing. Teenagers are at a crucial stage of development. They are undergoing many physical as well as cognitive and emotional changes. Be sensitive to these without calling attention to them. For example, as they strive for independence you may find them wanting to spend more time with friends than with family. Do not be offended by this but instead allow them their freedom.

Plan activities together:

Spend quality time together. Be sure to arrange for one-on-one time with your grand-teen so he or she feels valued by you. If possible, arrange to have a regular “date.” If you live close to your grand-teen, set time aside each week or month to spend time together. Regular phone “dates” can fill the gaps if there is a lot of geographic distance between you.

Get to know their friends. A teenager’s friends are a large part of his or her life. Getting to know your grand-teen’s social circle may give you a better of idea of the kinds of issues he or she is dealing with, and will show your interest. Learn his or her friends’ names, the activities they participate in and the music they listen to.

Listen to their music and watch their favorite TV shows together.

Tips for staying close:

Talk during a time when you will not be interrupted.

Maintain their trust. Keep the things that you discuss with each other private.

Offer unconditional love (but don’t be afraid to express concern if you feel that something might be wrong. Remember that you can love in a non-judgmental way and still broach a sensitive or important topic.)

Choose your battles. For example, try not to call too much attention to clothing or style choices that you may find strange or distasteful.

Call to talk only to your grand-teen, separately from calls to other members of the household. When the phone is answered ask specifically for your grand-teen and when you are finished speaking, end the call.

Stay in touch using technology such as e-mail, instant messaging via the web, telephone, etc.

Keep current pictures of them, and send them pictures of you, too.

You and your grand-teens can learn a lot about yourselves and each other from your relationship. Your grand-teens will learn about their cultural heritage and family history, feel safe around adults other than parents, form a strong sense of belonging, and bridge the “generation gap.” In addition, studies show that grandparents who have a strong relationship with their grandchildren remain happier, healthier, and live more active lives.